Counselling - Men Can Feel...but Not Too Much
Our social conditioning is something that many people never stop to consider
. Our gender plays a big part in how we were trained to respond to different experiences in life. There are many unacceptable responses for one gender that are just fine for the other. If you have a good grasp on how your family of origin moulded you, that's great. What's equally important for a successful marriage is the ability to understand and work with the social conditioning patterns your mate was raised with. There are going to be habits that don't work and need to be dropped. There are also many that are misunderstood yet are being acted upon with the best intentions.
Hi, I am a male. I live in a box. I am afforded some very tangible protection by this box, yet it also comes with it's limitations. I'm allowed to feel anger, happiness, and frustration. Feelings like hurt or sadness have little or no room in this box. The great thing about the box, is that I have very few limits on my physical looks in order to be accepted in society.
My wife and the women I know also live in boxes. Theirs are the exact opposite. Almost any feeling under the sun is acceptable for them. Many do get frowned upon for feeling angry. Besides that, the options are vast. Their box does have it's limitations. Their physical looks have rigid expectations attached to them. This causes many of them untold anxiety.
For hundreds of years, maybe more, the model of gender specific boxes has worked. The male role of the protector was instrumental in the construction of the male box. This includes limited sharing of personal information in order to protect the family from outside dangers.
For multiple generations of women, the female box proved useful. The female role was to attract a man who would provide and protect for her and her children. The way to do that was through her physical beauty.
For Men: Feelings are neutral with absolutely no good or bad value attached. In a world with it's fair share of pain, it's absurd for men to feel guilt over feeling hurt or sad. It may have been effective when our main role was as a protector and provider and we needed to "suck it up" for the good of our family. In order to realize their desire to be happily married, modern men need the ability to feel a wider range of emotions. We need to learn new skills that are complimentary to our existing ones of self reliance.
For Women: You are not your body. If you lost a finger would you still be you? Of course you would. The lack of a physically attractive wife is believed to be the primary motivating factor for male dissatisaction in marriage. I disagree strongly. Women most commonly decide to divorce their spouse because he doesn't make them happy. The number one reason men divorce is because they believe they can't make their wife happy anymore. The most important thing to a married man is that his wife is happy and that he is doing a good job, not that she has a perfect body.
by: Chris Keenan
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