A Halloween Costume For Your Baby
Adult costumes are a cinch. But what about baby Halloween costumes? Surely you want your baby to see you sloshed at the party, right? Well, he's going to need a costume.
First, an ethical warning. Why in the hell are you taking a baby to a Halloween party in the first place? Spring $30 for a baby sitter, you cheap ass. Presumably, you have some compelling reason to actually be bringing a baby to a Halloween party, or your friends are way more subdued and trustworthy than mine. Which wouldn't take much.
Enough lectures, you're taking your baby to the party, dammit, get on with the costume ideas.
Remember that because babies cannot talk, their costume must be super simple to discern. Now on to the costumes.
You can paint black stripes on a white baby, turning it into a zebra. Same goes for white stripes on an African American toddler. Clogs make excellent hooves.
Female toddlers can go as prostitutes. A super teeny skirt, stiletto heels, and the most slutty looking lipstick you can get your hands on. Everyone including your baby will remember the hooker costume until their dying days.
People sometimes don't think to decorate the stroller. Huge mistake. I painted the words "Enola Gay" on my baby's stroller one year after my wife vetoed the hooker costume. When dumb jackholes ask you which bomb it is dropping, glare indignantly and say Little Boy. Duh. I'm the Fat Man. A buddy of man made his stroller into the batmobile. Some tool always goes Nascar. One nerd even did the starship enterprise and put Vulcan ears on his baby.
A phenomenal baby costume is George W. Bush. Your baby wears a suit, and huge fake ears. You tell everyone that your baby is a prodigy like Bush, and will recite every single intelligent statement that "W" ever made.
V for Vendetta is another fan favorite. Your child simply wears the smiling mask, and you tell anyone who asks about the costume that the baby is the head of the hacking network Anonymous. For those who didn't get the hidden pun, it is that hacking the government is child's play.
People think the Riddler is dated, but I've never seen a bad Riddler costume. There is just something inherently sublime about a green jumpsuit with question marks all over it. To say nothing of the eye mask. Anyone looks cool in a Riddler costume, except a fat adult.
Some of these costumes may stunt your baby's emotional development a tad, but that is a reasonable tradeoff for a once in a lifetime baby Halloween costume that you'll be laughing or crying about for decades.
by: brigittepittsa
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