subject: Raisign Children Not Voices by:Kim Patrick [print this page] OK. I'm going to get down to business right away. These are the things that I will be discussing over the next few pages:
Understand Your Own Emotions
Change Your Own Mindset
Expect Success
Become A Lifelong Learner
Understand Whose Team You Are On
Know When To Walk Away
Choose To Control Your Responses
Not Talking Back - A Sign Of Strength
Be Prepared To Ask For Help
Understand Your Own Emotions
This truly is an important key to help you in your role as a parent. Look, I am a single mom with four children. I know it is tough. And I congratulate you if you are taking the time to read this. Well done...
The fact is, when we get angry or show a negative emotion, there are actually some chemical changes in our brain and the way that it functions. Once we start down that road, this is what happens. We cannot see properly (see the situation for what it actually is). We also cannot think clearly.
Ever been in an argument with your child that you just knew you couldn't win? Yep. Me too. But I choose to not go there anymore. I don't want to waste my time. The truth is, once we get to that stage we have already lost the battle with our child.
Once two people are going on back and forward at each other, that is a fully blown power struggle. I do know how difficult it is when the little darlings get you wound up. I was chatting to a neighbour just this morning. His son was suspended from school for 20 days. I tried to share a few encouraging words with him. But all I heard him say to me was "but you don't understand how I feel when I get upset with him".
Well, actually, I do understand because I have been there. I was left with four children by myself, three of them boys. My kids are older now, but I choose to move forward. I now have three teenagers and I choose to enjoy the process. Nobody but yourself can make the choice to be non-emotional. But this is the only way we will ever see lasting results. And we are striving for results, not excuses. Which brings me to my next point...
Change Your Mindset
Do you know that you get what you expect in life? It's absolutely true. We need to understand this fact and when we do it will totally revolutionise the way we live our lives. You get what you focus on. How do I know?
I have lived it, and I have lived with it. Nine years ago now my husband and I came to the Sunshine Coast together (we were still married back then). My then husband was a school teacher but began whingeing to me about the fact that "you can't get a full time job on the Coast". And guess what happened? He couldn't get a full time job on the Sunshine Coast.
The funny thing is I have had other school teacher friends come to the Coast and score full time jobs very quickly. The difference? Perception. If you truly believe that there are not jobs out there, you won't find them. Not only will you genuinely think they aren't there, but your subconscious will begin to work against you.
Here's the thing: what we do in the conscious mind comprises a mere 10% of what we think. The other 90% is subconscious. And when you give a thought to your subconscious like "there are no jobs out there", your subconscious believes it, and will begin to make it your reality. I have seen this happen time and time again.
When my 13 year old son applied for his first job at Dominos, there weren't lots of jobs around. But I kept on pumping him up with positive comments like "you're the best. You can get this job. You're the best person for the job". Needless to say he got the first job he applied for.
Kieren's mindset was positive and he truly believed that he could do it. Now how does all this relate to parenting? It has a huge impact. If you are bogged down with kids screaming and yelling and can't see your way through it all, you need to take time out and learn to compose yourself before you can elicit any changes in your kids.
Only when you can compose yourself can you adequately be of benefit to anyone. And don't be afraid to ask for help. It is actually a sign of strength to be willing to let someone else help you out. Most of the famous people that were ever known were climbing on the shoulders of tall men who went before them.
Expect Success
What are you expecting? I actually tell my children what I expect of them. Only then can they oblige. I can remember when my family used to volunteer at a soup kitchen to help feed the homeless. Every Monday evening we would drive there to serve soup. As we travelled there I would instruct my kids "this is what I expect you to do when we arrive. You can have a plate of yummy soup. But if you decide not to have the soup, please don't come asking for some dessert". That was just my rule.
My kids would know what to do and sometimes they wouldn't have their soup, but they didn't bother coming to ask for dessert because I had already laid the foundations and told them the rules. This is just a small illustration to tell you understand the importance of expectations.
You need to absolutely expect that you can talk calmly to your kids at all times. Visualise yourself talking nice and quietly and believe that you can do it. We don't want any frazzled parents here! There is another way. Practice talking calmly in front of a mirror if you need to. But commit to changing things that you decide to change. Monitor your progress and take baby steps. One thing at a time.
Become A Lifelong Learner
I am a qualified Parenting Coach but I do not consider myself as having attained it yet. I keep on striving forward. There is always more to learn about being a great parent. Every opportunity I go through with my kids gives me a chance to learn something. And if we can harness these learning opportunities and learn from our mistakes as well as from our successes, we should do it.
I guess being a lifelong learner is an attribute that some of us have, and some of us don't. But I can tell you that we should all strive to have it. The thing is that when we don't learn from our mistakes, life has a funny way of bringing things around full circle and giving us the same problems back again but in a slightly different way, nevertheless the same issues.
There are some people who learn from absolutely everything and enjoy life to the fullest. Then there are others who don't like to receive learning and what happens with these people is they find themselves in the same situation down the track. I was married to one such person. Isn't it weird how some people just live the same year of their lives over and over and over? They just don't get it. Very sad - don't be like that.
We all have a still, small voice inside of us that speaks to us, giving us guidance and direction in our lives. Many people call it intuition. It is there for a purpose. How many times have you done something even though your still, small voice told you not to?
Why are we idiots? I did that just last week. I was recording an interview with an expert from Switzerland. I had a gut feeling that something was wrong with the recording but I just continued anyway. I got to the end of the interview and guess what? I found out that it hadn't recorded!! Duh! How could I be SO dumb and still be breathing?
So when you are dealing with your kids, listen for that still, small voice inside of you. If you aren't happy with what you are doing, stop and think a bit longer before you act. Yes, I think I have said that to my kids a few thousand times - "think before you act". Well, if it's good enough for them it's good enough for us.
Understand Which Team You Are On
I know this might sound silly but you are on the same team as your child. The best results will always be when you connect with your child and work together with them. Remember, I have been there and I DO understand just how difficult it can be sometimes.
As a parent we are there to give and enforce boundaries but in a loving way. Our long term goal is to make sure that our kids learn to internalise those boundaries, because when they begin to do that, life gets much easier for you and your child will be happier.
An example for you: my 13 year old, Sam, loves kicking balls but just can't resist it when he is inside the house. If there is a ball in his hand he simply must be kicking it. I have been tackling this issue with him for years and years and it really is an ongoing issue in his life.
BUT, just last week, I saw him walking down the hall with the ball. He was kicking it on the end of his foot (he really is very skilled at this). Sam saw me, looked down at his ball and remembered the rule. Now I do not consider this disobedience for Sam. He is very much ADHD and is just very active, and I know he meant no malice by it.
When he saw me, that made him think about the ball. He bent down, picked it up in his hands and said out loud, "that's right. No kicking balls in the house". Now this is Sam beginning to internalise things for himself. Notice how I didn't need to say anything to him because he was pulling himself up for it? THAT is the goal of parenting. I must be doing something right for him to get to that stage. I was chuffed.
Here's what is so special about that: I didn't need to step in at any level. Sam pulled himself up and facilitated the change all by himself. When children start to do that we become redundant, which is fantastic. That's ultimately what we are aiming for as our children move towards adulthood. After all, we can't follow them around forever can we?
Actually, I know of one lady who put her 17 year old son on the school bus for the first time ever, and she followed the bus to school to make sure that he arrived safely. Now THAT is going a bit too far!
Know When To Walk Away
There is a famous song "you've gotta know when to hold 'me, and know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away and know when to run". Actually, I'm not 100% sure of the words. But there is a very sneaky parenting secret that I need to tell you in case you didn't know:
It is OK to walk away.
If you feel yourself becoming out of control emotionally and don't feel able to compose yourself, I give you permission to walk away, providing there are no major health or safety issues in doing so. Let me tell you why:
Remember earlier we talked about emotions and the fact that you can't think or see clearly when you are emotional? Well, everything you do while you are in an emotional state will be detrimental. It's kind of like driving under the influence of alcohol. That's exactly what it is like, because your brain is in an altered state due to chemical reactions.
If you choose to walk away, you need to let your child know what is happening. Be honest with them. Just say to them something like, "Mummy is feeling very angry now and I don't want to. So I'm just going to my bedroom for ten minutes. I'll be back soon and we can talk more about what has happened." Then follow through with it. You will find that your kids will appreciate your honesty and will respond well to this. It shows them that you are human just like them.
Choose To Control Your Responses
As I write this title I just received a phone call from a debtor regarding a bill that has actually been paid but they are saying they didn't receive the money. How funny is that! Here I am writing about controlling your responses when I am hoping mad at them. Ok, I know it is hard...
We just need to realise that we have the choice to control how we respond to things. We need to stop making excuses for the way we act towards our kids and start to make changes. Now I know that sounds harsh. But here's the thing: you can't change something until you acknowledge it. So here's my suggestion to you:
Figure out what the problem is - do you yell too much? Now I'm not talking about the problem with your kids, I'm talking the problem with you, and here's why: you cannot change what some else says or does. All you can do is change your reaction to it. And the funny thing is, when we change what we are doing, it usually has a snow ball effect and things around you start to change as well.
For those of you who still have difficulty in calming down enough to be rational with your kids you might need to think of some strategies to help you: prayer, meditation, yoga, tai chi, yoga, deep breathing and relaxation, or something else to help you to calm down a bit more.
See Not Talking Back As A Sign Of Strength Not Weakness
OK. We are starting to learn some strategies for controlling our responses. What you need to understand now is that it is OK to not engage with your kids. There are times when it is wise not to talk back at all. And this is the only way we can avoid a power struggle when our kids are het up and angry. Here is an example:
A while back one Friday evening we had just arrived home from Youth Group. It was 8.30pm and some boys knocked on our front door. They wanted Kieren (age 13 at the time) to come outside and play with them. Kieren said to me, "Mum, please can I go outside and play with my friends?" That is definitely not the norm at 8.30pm on a Friday evening so I said to him, "NO, Kieren, you are not going outside tonight."
Kieren was very unimpressed and said to me, "you can't stop me. I'm going out whether you like it or not." I thought about it for about 30 seconds (note, I stopped and just slowly considered my options). Then I said to him once again the very same words, "Kieren, you are not going outside tonight." THEN I TURNED AND WALKED AWAY. That is disengaging on purpose.
What happened next I had no control over. All I could control was my reaction to it. Kieren stomped down the hall way and went into his bedroom, slamming the door. After a few seconds when he got no reaction from me, he opened up his door and slammed it again. Then there was a bit of yelling before he calmed down.
Kieren never spoke to me until the morning however he didn't go out that night, to his credit. But when he woke up in the morning, his bedroom door was missing. I had removed it during the night because he was being disrespectful by slamming it. Kieren came to me in the morning with a big apology but his bedroom door was still gone for seven days.
Do you see how there was a consequence attached to Kieren's bad choice? This is how we should be parenting - using appropriate consequences that match the crime. I allowed Kieren to be angry in his room as he wasn't a danger to anyone. He was just letting off some steam. He had a right to be angry but he didn't have a right to slam the doors in my house.
It is not a big deal when you let the choices dictate the consequences. Kieren was content with the door being gone. He wasn't happy but he did know that he thoroughly deserved it. Do you see how I stopped a power struggle here? I chose not to engage. And we all have the ability to make that choice when the power struggle tries to come your way. You actually have to make a conscious decision to engage. Choose to say "no" and make life easier for you in the long run.
Be Prepared To Ask For Help
There is a saying that it takes a whole community to raise a child, and I think that is very true. We need to ensure that we don't isolate ourselves, especially when we are having difficulties with our children. We can find help in many different places:
sisters or brothers, grandparents, neighbours, school teachers and principals, aunties and uncles, friends, church groups or other social groups.
If you don't have a regular social group that you belong to, might I suggest that you join one? My three teenagers love hanging out at youth group. They have a basketball court and everyone plays there. My boys have plenty of great role models to connect with and learn appropriate life skills.
Children will always listen to other people before their parents. That is why you need to be strategic in where you take your children and who they associate with. If you don't find them a nice group of people that are likeminded, your children will find a group of their own, and probably not what you had in mind for them either!
When my children want to go to church early to hang with their mates, I take them early. I simply take a book to read or something else to do. I would rather help them hang with nice friends than let them find their own.
Whenever I have issues that I want to talk through with someone, and every so often I do have issues I need to talk about, I ask one of the Pastors from church. There are also another couple of parents that I go to for help. This is great because it actually empowers me to be a better parent, and I do love to hear other people's slants on how they solve problems with their children.
Nowadays there are web sites galore that have forums you can also go to for advice. So, really, there is no need for anyone to feel isolated or that they can't find the answer to their parenting issues.
Conclusion
I have made this report as "to the point" as possible and discussed the tactics I use to bring out the best in my parenting abilities as well as trying to empower you also to bring out the best in your children.
These tactics work like crazy for me and they can work for you too!
Please bear in mind that you personally need to put in some effort but it is well worth it when you see the end results.
If you have got this far, allow me to congratulate you. I hope you now understand that we have the ability to make changes in our own life, which will rub off onto your kids in time. We can be non-emotional in our dealings with our children: it just takes a bit of practice to get it right.
And do you know, every time you get it wrong, you are a bit closer to getting it right. So be encouraged just like Thomas Edison once said, "I just found 999 ways that it didn't work." Keep trying and before you know it you will learn the skill of being non-reactive to your child. And when you can do that you have indeed won the battle. Well done!
About the author
Kim Patrick is a seminar speaker, Parenting Mentor and author of the book "Get Your Child To Behave In 30 Days Or Less". Her web site is: http://www.yourchildcanbehave.com.
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