subject: Toddler Tantrums, Screaming Children, Angry Tweens - Can We Calm The Crying? [print this page] As parents we know one of our most important goals is teaching children respect, responsibility, and social skills. This can be quite a challenge because little children have developmental milestones such as learning to say NO! Wanting to make their own decisions about what to wear, eat, do. This drive in children is often met with frustration in parents when their child will not "mind". This can also trigger fury in a parent because of their internal anger from their own childhood, when they were not allowed to develop their own autonomy. A desperate angry parent will try most anything to gain control of the situation and this often means falling back on what was done to us.
Punishments such as scolding, insulting, time outs, spanking, threats, yelling, and deprivation are almost universally used in our culture. We are almost self righteous in our zeal to control our children's behavior through punishment. Is there another more effective way? Perhaps if we look at what's behind a child misbehavior there will be an answer. Instead of punishing bad behavior could we learn to prevent the behavior in the first place? Children are not born trying to cause mayhem. They are born completely dependent and wanting to please their parents. Are we asking too much of our children to spend all day every day in day care or school? Then rushing through dinner, dividing our attention with computers, phones or TV? Are we ignoring the developmental milestones that are necessary for healthy development and deciding that it is "oppositional disorder" when they refuse to cooperate with what we want? Do we ignore the stresses that our children may be experiencing such as hunger, fatigue, over stimulation, or a chaotic environment, and when they can't deal with it they have "ADHD"?
To become a more effective, happier parent, the place to start is with ourselves. It is time well spent to look closely at how you were raised, the good and the bad of it. If you were raised by authoritarian parents who never let you make a decision and develop your own voice, you may find it very difficult and infuriating when your three year old is demanding to have his own way, and insisting on being heard! All the rage that you internalized as a three year old that was not allowed to be expressed may come blazing out of you in wild anger at your own child! Self reflection and healing of your own childhood wounds will enable you to be the best parent possible and give your child the start in life they deserve. Look closely at what is causing your child's behavior instead of just demanding they do as you say, because you may control and dominate a 5 year old, but it will be a very different story when that child is 15 and internalized anger emerges!
There must be boundaries and guidelines with children, and it is the parents job to set them. However if you believe that you can just insist on "do as I say, not as I do" you will no doubt live to regret it! Our children watch every little thing we do. They model our behavior, the good, bad and ugly. It is absurd to think you can hit a child for hitting someone and think this is an effective form of discipline! Or that it will stop the hitting! If you hit, they will hit. If you scream, they will scream. Most anything you do, they will do. Everything you do from your morals, your habits and your attitudes is recorded in the minds of our children. The best teacher is modeling the behavior you expect in your child. This couldn't be simpler, or more difficult! It means we must do exactly what we expect and want our children to do!
Many parents and children are missing out on the help of extended family. Because of distance or other reasons there is an absence of aunts and uncles, grandparents, cousins and neighbors that we actually know and trust. This puts so much pressure on parents and even more pressure on a single parent! It is in our best interest as parents, and our children's best interest, to find ways families can come together and help each other. It does indeed "take a village." This requires parents to join together as adults to help each other raise the children and not have the attitude of "my child would NEVER do that". Adults must act like adults. It would also enrich our children and provide priceless guidance for them to be connected to the seniors in our towns and cities, especially when grandparents are not around. Senior centers, retirement communities, seniors living alone. Reach out if your are a single parent, or have no family close by. People who are outside your family can be a source of great knowledge and character building for your child. Families are created through love, and acceptance, not only biological ties.
by: Kristin Alexander
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