subject: Dealing With The Fear Of A Loved One Dying [print this page] When we are confronted with our loved one dying, many emotions are bound to arise. Nearly all the world's religions address the issue of "life" beyond death, but whether we belong to a faith or have no particular faith, feeling afraid is a normal human response toward death and dying. The simple truth is, we cannot know exactly what our loved one is experiencing, and the unknown is a bit frightening for anyone. The points below are some of the common ways we experience fear, and how to deal with its impact when confronted with a loved one dying.
Fear causes us to have a "flight or fight" response. As soon as you receive news of a loved one's impending death, you may become overwhelmed. You might have difficulty disseminating the news to others or you cancel your daily appointments and make more time for visits. By contrast, you might find yourself, shaking your fist at the doctor and blaming the hospital regarding your loved one's deteriorating health. This is a "fight" response.
Always acknowledge that such fear is a normal and primary response as you and your loved one's nearest relatives and friends are going to undergo a "flight" or "fight" responses to this crucial moment. Day-to-day family tensions may spin out of control as we displace our feelings towards the inevitable moment of death to the ones that we have within our reach.
There would be some family members who might delay their own visitation because they have been engulfed by their "flight" response. As they enter the loved one's room, other relatives would give them the cold shoulder, deliberately stare or throw angry remarks at them. This is how they show their "fight" response. By being open to the fact that fear is driving these amplified emotions will help you to gather your composure. And this will have a "ripple" effect for everyone present.
It is important to note that fear is nature's own way of getting us ready for the future. The last thing that we want to encounter for the person that we love is their departure from our lives. We immediately try to deny the reality as we hear that a loved one's days are numbered. A surge of emotions would flood our rational thinking and a tugging sense of "dread" can be felt within one's tummy. This occurrence is widely known as "anticipatory grief." Instead of fighting back these feelings, it would be wise to regard them as stepping stones that will help you cope with your loved one's final moments. Your family and friends will definitely notice and they will feel motivated to do so.
It is helpful to gather your thoughts, questions, and feelings by writing them down on a journal or your personal blog. You don't need to make extensive notes nor follow grammatical rules. Write whatever is on your mind. This will be beneficial to you amidst a crisis. First, you start to gain control over the situation. This is because you are able to find the important questions that you want to ask the nurse and doctor while keeping track of your emotions.
Second, taking care of your thoughts, questions and feelings helps you to "see" more clearly what others might be thinking, questioning and feeling. Your loved one may also have similar, and possibly even stronger feelings. Because you have taken a little bit of care over your own thoughts, questions and feelings, you can now direct some of your energy toward providing your loved one with comfort and reassurance about theirs.
Aim on another focal point. This may sound like a paradox but it doesn't mean that you should run away from the sadness that arise when a loved one is dying. There are various emotions that you and your loved ones will have. You can sort these emotions in your journal or blog to know how exactly you are feeling. The main emotion that we will experience but it is not exclusive in our hearts. Keep in mind that your loved one has spent more time living rather than dying. Reminiscing those years still matter.
Most TV shows and movies about dying loved ones portray a room shrouded with melancholy as the characters speak in hushed tones. Reality doesn't have to follow that stereotypical scenario. Relatives and friends are sure to use appropriate humor as an effectual way in bonding with their loved one. Gentle play and humorous stories between you and your loved one can transform a dreary atmosphere into a sunny one. Take your cue from them prior to the storytelling. If they're in the mood, engage them in an endearing story. These stories might serve as effective medicine for their souls.
Recognize the opportunity for you and your loved one. If you have the privilege to journey with your loved one as they approach death, realize that this is a precious time for both of you, as well as others at bedside. Sharing stories is one way to spend the time together. It is not the only way to communicate your feelings. Take their hand and hold it lightly in yours. Look into their eyes and let them look back at you. Let your eyes relax and allow your face to soften into a gentle smile. Love them. Let them love you.
Summary. We can and do experience a wide arrange of deep feelings when confronted with death, and fear underlies nearly all of them. We might fear that our loved one will suffer. We might fear that we will say the wrong thing, or not say the right thing, or miss saying anything at all. We might fear that our loved one is not at peace with their relationships, including the one they had with us. We might fear that we don't understand our loved one's diagnosis, and that we may have made the wrong decisions with doctors about their care.
All kinds of real and imagined fears can and do arise. Sometimes, the fear will surface as anger. Sometimes the fear simply masks a deeper emotion that we want to avoid. Losing a loved one is truly very sorrowful. We are deeply saddened and the place they occupied in our hearts feels like an open gaping space that nothing could possibly fill. Such sadness is painful. Whether you show your feelings, or keep them to yourself, ignoring them altogether is not advised. If you need to find a quiet space and take a bit of time for yourself away from all that is going on with your loved one, do so. On the other hand, if you feel safe to express your feelings with your family or friends, or your loved one, then let a little bit of those feelings come out.
Finally, bear in mind that you need not be alone in this. Your loved will most likely be in a place where there is medical support, a hospital or hospice. Do not be reluctant in asking questions and making the most of their resources, such as a social worker or chaplain, to provide emotional support. A trustworthy person outside of your family circle can be beneficial in assisting you and your family as you walk with your loved one during their last days on Earth. Their support at such a crucial time can make a tremendous difference for you, your family and friends, and your loved one who is dying.
by: Chaplin Marilyn Morris
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