subject: What Are Men Looking For When They Have An Affair? [print this page] I often get emails from wives who are struggling horribly to understand why their husband has cheated. They just can not understand what he could possibly need or want from someone else. They want to understand what, exactly, it was that he got from the affair that made him risk everything for it. I'm not a man who has cheated, but I may have some answers because I've been through this,have conducted extensive research on this topic, and I often have cheating or rehabilitated men comment on my blog. So, I do feel that I have some insight as to what men are trying accomplish when they decide to cheat. I'll share this insight with you in the following article.
What In The World Would Make An Otherwise Sensible Man Cheat On Someone He Loves? What Is He Looking For?: This is the million dollar question of course. Because countless men have told me that they never intended to cheat and that they are as surprised as their wives at their behavior.I often hear things like: "never in their wildest dreams would I ever have thought that I would make such a huge mistake and cheat on my wife. Ihave no idea what I was thinking."
See, often even they can't articulate exactly what their thought process was. This is often because of the fact thatthey weren't actually thinking very rationally. They were merely reacting without impulse control as a buffer. However, you may be surprised to know that they were reacting to emotional needs rather than physical ones. I get a lot of debate about this, but as nice as the sex is perceived to be, Ido not believe that it is the primary motivation.
There are times in a man's life when he is particularly vulnerable to this and is very often blind sided by it. Often, a man is feeling vulnerable, incompetent, and incapable in some way. In today's economy, this is becoming more and more prevalent as men feel like failures to their families as they struggle financially. However, the struggles can be virtually anything extended family issues, career problems, health issues or scares, losing someone close to them, or feeling misunderstood or under appreciated. The list is pretty much endless but these are some of the more common examples that I hear.
And, here's something else that you should understand. Often when they are experiencing these vulnerabilities, men can not see beyond right now.They are looking for a quick fix. They never intend for this to become a permanent thing. They are going with what provides relief at the time, but they don't project that this is going to become something that finds a permanent place in their life, especially at first.
But eventually the pay off becomes ongoing and sometimes they continue on. In their mind, they still believe that you never need to find out and therefore you never need to be hurt. In a way that some women would have difficulty with, they are able to separate you and her as completely different things. Does this make sense to you or make it right?Of course not. There is no excuse for this. But I tell you these things because I want you to know how their thought process worked.
If Even He Doesn't Know Why The Affair Happened, How DoYou Know That It Won't Happen Again? How Do You KnowHe Won't Look Again?: The answer lies in your ability to redefine your marriage and to strengthen your relationship, if that is the way that you chose to go. This may seem to be a long, hard, and endless road to you right now, but eventually, when you are ready, it's a path that you will need to take if you want for you and the marriage to recover from this. I know that it may seem to be a huge uphill battle, but couples make it through this everyday. And many have even better, stronger marriages because this process forces them to admit where they were vulnerable and to then fix it.
No, this doesn't erase this hurt and of course both of you would erase this and change it if you could. But, since that isn't possible, the best alternative is to create a future that is positive and healthy whether that includes him or not. It may or may not help to see him as someone who was vulnerable at one point and time and who made a mistake by acting on this. Whether or not you can forgive this depends on many factors, but you should most certainly forgive yourself because you were in no way to blame. You can not save him from himself. You can only control yourself, your own feelings, and your own actions and reactions.
I know that you are struggling with why the affair happened, but eventually, you will have to deal with the how meaning how you will move on past this. I know that this is a difficult thought, but it's often when you turn the corner. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
What Are Men Looking For When They Have An Affair?
By: Katie Lersch
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