subject: Online Dating - Cyber-fact Or Cyber-fiction [print this page] Rooting around on the online dating blogs unearths some interesting stuff. As an author on the topic and a mentor to women involved in online dating, I make it part of my job to try to stay current on the nano-speed changes that are part of the community. In doing so I came across an article the dealt with a topic that crosses every online dater's mind from time to time, namely: "How do I know what's real and what's, well...not? The author addresses that very question in his article, a portion of which is excerpted below.
"By simplifying interactions through the elimination of body language, nonverbal cues, and even environmental influences, the elements of risk are reduced and self-disclosure becomes easier to many...While this aspect may seem as an advantage to the impatient, the speed tends to create a dis- proportionate level of perceived intimacy, a sort of cognitive attraction separate from reality..."
The article was written by someone under a pseudonym, so we can't know (for certain) the author's agenda. The author makes a great point if...IF a significant relationship decision is made solely on the basis of cyber-communications. In the age of distant intimacy, is there anyone who hasn't experienced the tickle of familiarity, with someone we've never met? Many reading this can recall developing a connection with a remote fellow employee or a vendor based on nothing more than email contact or at most, that and a few phone conversations. Relying on the highly filtered words of his emails will inevitably lead to an impression that is as much about your hopes as it is about reality. A "not-too-promising" foundation for a sound decision about a possible relationship.
The problem with our anonymous author's point in the quote above is it seems to ignore what generally follows...at least in what I have called "mainstream" online dating/meeting. Any two people seriously interested in an enduring connection will take communication to the next level and yak on the phone. If that goes well, they decide to meet, precisely to see if their favorable online impressions have an in-person basis in reality.
They do this precisely to avoid that cognitive fiction to which the author referred; to decide whether or not the potential for a relationship is more than "...a cognitive attraction separate from reality..." They close the distance. Some of my readers know we must "step inside each other's aura," and experience that feeling, to be sure we want to know any more about him.
I know nothing of the author's experience or education, so I had to resist the temptation to dismiss his words with the thought "he must never have done online dating...or done it seriously.". But honest reflection reveals a truth worth taking into account. Even for those of us who recognize that online dating/meeting rarely unfolds quite as the author suggested, who of us has never made the mistake of deciding in our minds how our first meeting would go...before we actually met? Were you right? Sometimes...but if so, WHY were you right? Was it because you read his personality so well in email and on the phone...or were you substituting your dreams for the facts? Most of us who have used online dating services for a period of time have been guilty of this to some degree, consciously or unconsciously. It isn't difficult to understand why.
After a procession of "one and done" meetings and a few promising prospects who hung in there for two or three dates before drifting away, it's easy to let hope take over your head. It's particularly likely if you've been through a dry spell and catch yourself wondering if time is running out for you. You are painfully aware you may be selling yourself short and may be tempted to berate yourself for the short sale; or for impatience, or whatever you usually scold yourself for when doubt creeps in. It makes you feel bad, so you talk yourself back up.
YOU know you deserve success: you're also aware that exposure will eventually pay off. You've played that game intelligently and patiently. You've been at it long enough to convince yourself you've "paid your dues." This one feels different, somehow and confidence creeps in that the relationship you want is just around the corner. "Perhaps," you dare to hope, "this is the one..." even before it's reasonable to imagine you're right, this time.
Is it possible that more disciplined online daters will avoid this error? Perhaps not. But there are also some of us less self-disciplined ones who might and have...maybe more than once. The problem the author alludes to is if the decision is made before you get the facts, a train wreck may be just around the corner.
That thought in mind, a question worth asking might be, "How do you avoid letting any tendency you have toward wishful thinking keep from derailing you?"? I'm sorry to report I know of no silver bullet or holy water to ward off any tendency toward going "hope blind.". But to considerably lessen the chances of it, keep these little tidbits in mind. First, you spent all that time working on your profile specifically to find a partner worthy of you. You owe it to yourself and your potential partner to decide based on reliable indicators, rather than wishful thinking. Cautious optimism, in other words. Second and perhaps more importantly, turning it around from a bad decision can be worse than continued frustration. And it almost always takes longer to recover than getting it right in the first place. Fantasy never lasts...reality does.
Copyright (c) 2010 Dirk Sayers
by: Dirk Sayers
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