subject: "White Lies" Don't Count...or Do They?: Communication Advice for Men [print this page] By Otto Collins By Otto Collins
Abe considers himself to be an honest man, he just doesn't see the point of telling his wife absolutely everything. He reasons with himself (and sometimes with her too) that he is completely open and upfront about the "important" things that affect her, even though he often omits information or only tells half-truths about other matters.
The trouble is that Abe's wife doesn't know what she can believe from him anymore. Sometimes Abe's "white lies" seem, to her, like a very big deal.
One example of this is the fact that Abe has kept it a secret that he has been e-mailing back and forth with a woman he almost married back in college. When Abe's wife accidentally discovered one of these e-mails, she felt hurt and betrayed. She was also suspicious because Abe told (what he calls) "white lies" about the whole thing.
In other words, he kept it all a secret and even told his wife that he has been e-mailing with a male buddy from his college days-- until, of course, his wife stumbled upon the truth.
When it comes to your love relationship or marriage, it's absolutely essential that you be honest...all of the time.
You might be tempted to hide the truth or leave out certain facts when talking with your partner. Both men and women do this all of the time and it's NEVER a good thing for their relationship.
You might tell half-truths or "white lies" because you believe that your woman will be upset, worry or jump to the wrong conclusion about the situation. When the whole truth eventually comes out-- and it almost always does-- trust will be eroded between you and your partner.
You might not consider this behavior to be lying and we aren't going to argue about whether or not it is. The fact of the matter is this: the results are the same. Trust between you and your woman weakens and can become stretched to the breaking point when you are habitually dishonest, secretive or closed.
Perhaps your woman has a tendency to get jealous and you deliberately neglect to tell her about a female co-worker that you have lunch with regularly-- you might even tell a "white lie" about it and say that you eat alone. It could very well be that you have absolutely zero romantic or sexual feelings for this co-worker, but you don't want to spark jealousy in your partner and so you lie.
Unfortunately, despite your intentions to avoid conflict, this will back-fire every time. At some point, your woman will find out that you share lunch with this female co-worker and she will begin to wonder if you lied about it because you are sharing more than that with this other woman.
Lying of any kind simply makes you look suspicious.
There's really no way around it. Regardless of whether your lie is "little" or "big" (and despite your reasons for lying in the first place), the effects are damaging. The question that will inevitably run through your woman's mind is probably something like, "What is he trying to hide or cover up with his lie?"
A habit of telling "white lies" adds up to a whole lot of mistrust.
Are you really surprised that your woman is questioning and wary of whatever you say when you have a history of telling "white lies" to avoid an argument, to tell her what you think she wants to hear or for whatever other reason?
Stop when you catch yourself about to omit certain information or to alter the truth of a situation. You can't be 100% certain about how your woman truly will react when you tell her something that you think will upset her.
But, it is highly likely that when she finds out that you've lied, she WILL be hurt and will probably pull away from you.
It's worth it to take the chance that you two can talk honestly and openly about whatever occurred and work together to resolve any conflicts.
You might not be able to prevent your woman from getting jealous, but you can stop adding to her jealousy when you choose to be courageous and tell her the truth all of the time.
You can talk about difficult topics in ways that aren't nasty or critical and you two can actually move closer to one another in the process.
"White Lies" Don't Count...or Do They?: Communication Advice for Men
By: Susie and Otto Collins
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