subject: Smart Ways to Lose Weight [print this page] Smart Ways to Lose Weight Smart Ways to Lose Weight
- The easiest way to lose weight is simply to buy a broken scale. The numbers tell only truth, after all, and even if that's not ACTUALLY your weight, you'll think it is. Why? Because the numbers say so.
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- Puke. Puke lots. After every meal, go to the bathroom - or, heck, just do it at the table - and gag yourself to the point of vomiting. All that delicious food will come right back up, and you won't be any the heavier. Indeed, you'll probably wind up lighter, as you'll bring up food you ate earlier in the day as well.
- Along the same lines, shove a vacuum cleaner in your mouth and turn it on. All that food will come flying back up.
- Slice the fat off. Liposuction is expensive, you say? Just grab a knife and start hacking. Make sure you have some band aids available, as well. (Lots.)
- One word: laxatives.
- Wear clothes with vertical stripes. Again, this is a lie that speaks to an untrue truth. Vertical lines make you look taller than wider. Once you take off your clothes the illusion will vanish, so you'll have to keep the same stripey clothes on for the rest of your life. Have fun.
- Eat only rice cakes. Often it's not how much you eat, it's WHAT you eat. Replace all those fatty foods with the bare minimum, the glorious rice cake, which has little by way of fat and taste akin to Styrofoam. Make sure the cakes aren't flavored, as that's just unnecessary calories.
- Adopt an incredibly vicious dog which you always keep in the house. You'll spend most of your time running away from said dog, and lose calories in the process. And if it takes a few chunks out of you, well, hey. You'll weigh less.
- Walk around nude. Clothes are heavy. That's the real problem. Yeah.
- Give away all your possessions. You seldom see poor people who are overweight. They must be on to something they're not sharing with the financially stable
.
- And, last, play Dance Dance Revolution at the arcade over, and over, and over again. This will bring your weight down drastically, and you'll look so cool.
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