subject: Do Not Break Up series - Breaking Up, Making Up or Giving Up [print this page] Do Not Break Up series - Breaking Up, Making Up or Giving Up
When a relationship turns sour, is not good, is not what you expected it to be or is full of problems, many people struggle with the dilemma of breaking up, making up or giving up by not doing anything. They may spend many many of their waking hours reliving the good and bad times of their relationship, wrestling with themselves in their minds on the positives and negatives of leaving or staying or hoping that the bad situation will turn around. This situation is not healthy as it causes stress, worry, loss of appetite and worse still could lead to depression.
If you are caught in this dilemma, do not waste any more time and let this situation be a drag on your life. You ought to make a decision as soon as possible. I have discovered that there are basically four choices for someone in this situation:
(1) Break up the relationship i.e. leave him or her
(2) Making up by changing what can be changed
(3) Making up by accepting what cannot be changed
(4) Give up i.e. do not break up and hope for the best
Let's go into these Breaking Up / Making Up / Giving Up choices in more detail:
Choice # 1: Break up the relationship
I strongly recommend that you try your very best not to break up, that is you really put your heart, soul and full effort to making your relationship work no matter how dismal the situation may seem. Well, unless you have been physical abused or in physical danger from your partner (which is not dealt here).
If you have given your best shot and the relationship finally ends, at least you will not live the rest of your life looking back with regrets. You will not blame yourself for the break up.
It is also worth to seriously consider consequences in a relationship break up. Being alone again would mean that you will have no one to share household tasks (such as cooking, washing, grocery shopping, house cleaning, etc.); not having the benefit of sharing expenses (e.g. utilities, mortgage / rental payments; need your own car instead of sharing one); no one to talk to, bounce off your worries or ideas or sleep with; no one to care for you when you are not well; and the list can go on.
Choice # 2: Making up by changing
If you choose making up instead of breaking up, you can either change what can possibly be changed or accept what cannot be possibly changed. As you cannot control your partner's actions, this choice requires you to try to change yourself, which is what you have most control over. These changes could include being less argumentative / more submissive, be more loving and caring, be a better listener, spend less time with friends (which may have caused neglecting your partner), slow down on vices (such as drinking, smoking, gambling, frequent shopping sprees) that your partner hates and dressing the way your partner likes. As long as these changes are not totally against your core values (e.g. your partner wants you to attend religious rituals that are against your beliefs or your partner expects you to participate in weird sexual acts that you are not comfortable with).
Choice # 3: Making up by accepting
If your partner does not appreciate your efforts in changing yourself (Choice #2) and you do not want to break up at all costs (bar physical abuse or danger), then you will have to be very patient, accommodating and strong. You will learn to accept your partner's faults, weaknesses and shortcomings, and see the good side in him / her. I believe that no person is all bad nor all good. There's always some goodness in every human being. Do not spend time brooding and feeling sorry for yourself. Take up a hobby or sport or attend a local church. Have a healthy mix of friends. The idea is to not let a problematic relationship eat into the other parts of your life. Realise that life is not just about your partner. There are higher purposes for living.
Choice # 4: Giving up
Choosing not to break up but not doing anything about it is a recipe for a nervous breakdown, depression or worse still suicide. Worrying, analysing fights in your mind, crying yourself to sleep (even for male partners!) or blaming your partner without trying to change yourself or accepting your partner will not do you any good. Escaping from reality by smoking cigarettes, taking drugs, consuming excess alcohol, gambling and other negative activities will not make the bad relationship disappear. You must not select this choice.
In concluding this short write-up, I would like to encourage those who are in a breaking up / making up / giving up dilemma that there are actually choices you can make that can improve your situation. Look back at Choices #1, #2 and #3 and work on the positive aspects suggested.
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