subject: What Are Men Thinking About When Carrying Out An Affair? [print this page] What Are Men Thinking About When Carrying Out An Affair?
Variations on this question are so common. I often hear from wives who desperately want to understand just what in the world their husband was thinking while he was cheating on them. I often hear comments like "I want to know if he was thinking about me at all when he was with her. Because if he was thinking about me, how could he go through with the affair? I'm not sure if it's worse if he was thinking about me or if I wasn't on his mind at all."
It's very difficult for wives who have been cheated on to understand the mind set of a husband who cheated. In fact, most of us just aren't able to wrap our brains around this because we often just can't imagine the thought process of someone who would or is cheating on their spouse. It's difficult for me too because I'm not a man who has cheated. Instead, I've been a wife who was cheated on. But, I do hear from a lot of men who seem to honest about this. So, I can at least try to offer some insights into their thinking, which I will do below.
Some Men WhoHad An AffairActually Do Have Painful Thoughts About Their Wife At The Time: I have actually heard from men who tell me that they sob in the car on the way home, can't go through with the cheating, or who feel remorse crashing down around them in the after math. This most certainly doesn't excuse their actions. I'm not trying to make excuses for them. And, many would say that their remorse are too little too late or that their devastation is well deserved. Both of these views are completely valid and understandable.
But, I'm sharing this because I really do believe that many wives would want to hear it. Many husband who cheat end up being extremely remorseful. And, this comes from men who really don't have much incentive to lie to me, who is essentially a stranger to them. Of course, I'm only talking about one subset of men and husbands here. The reactions and feelings of men who cheat are as individual as the men themselves, which leads me to my next point.
Some Men Are Able To Compartmentalize TheAffair So That They Aren't Thinking Many Deep Thoughts When They Are In The Process Of It: Some men are not thinking about all that much when they are being unfaithful. Many are able to compartmentalize their lives or their relationships so that they are thinking about you when they are with you and others when they are with others. That's not to say that they don't feel guilty later and this is typically true when they see your reaction and pain later.
And, I do have to say that many men will recount a sort of "shutting down" during this process. In some cases, I do believe that cheating is a reaction to a personal crisis in a person's life. You often see cheating after the loss of a job or parent or during some time in a person's life when they are questioning themselves or their place in the world in some way. And as such, I think that some men, as a form of self preservation, cut themselves off from their feelings. This is another form of compartmentalization. Again, this isn't an excuse. It's just a theory that I have based on research and dialogue that I've had with men in this situation.
Some Men Actually Use Their Situation As Justification For The Affair: This subset of men are probably in the minority, but I do sometimes hear from men who will make all sorts of excuses and justifications for their cheating. Some will tell you that their wives weren't attentive enough. Or they'll say that they never intended to hurt anyone. Or they'll claim that their cheating has nothing to do with their feelings for their wife. Luckily, at least in terms of the men that I hear from, this subset of men seems to be in the minority, which is good because I don't always have much patience in this situation.
The Bottom Line About Trying To Understand A Man's Thinking When He's Having An Affair: I know why you want this information. I completely understand wanting more information so that you can come up with some logical reason why he would do this to you. But, I also have to tell you that sometimes, this is akin to chasing a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It may always be slightly out of reach.
You can't feel what others feel or think what they think. And, unless you have cheated yourself, it's extremely difficult to put yourself in this situation. And, sometimes, even the men involved do not completely understand what they were thinking or why they cheated. I have heard "I just don't know what I was thinking" by men who have cheated countless times. The truth is, most of them don't do their thinking on this topic until later, when the damage is done.
Sometimes, it will save a lot of pain if you accept that although you can learn some things that might be helpful, you might not ever completely understand their thinking. Often, they don't completely understand it either. And their past thinking is in the past. Today's thought process is often more important. Because the present is what is going to dictate what happens in the future.
I know that thinking about your husband's thought process while cheating is difficult, but it can be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over his cheating. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
welcome to Insurances.net (https://www.insurances.net)
