subject: I Want To Get Over My Husbands Affair, But I Can't Seem To Move On And Let It Go [print this page] I Want To Get Over My Husbands Affair, But I Can't Seem To Move On And Let It Go
I have a blog in which I share how I was able to get over and heal after my husband's affair. This strikes a chord in many of my readers, who are wives who have been cheated on by their husbands. One of the most frequent comments or questions that I get is something like "I really do want to save my marriage and get over the affair, but I just can't seem to do it, no matter how hard I try. I'm always worrying about it, remembering it , or reliving it."
I completely understand this. And, I can tell you that it's completely normal behavior that is so very common. But, you really can eventually get past it. There are certain things that you are going to need from your husband and from yourself that will help to speed this process along. I'll explain each of them in this article. In the interim though, promise me that you will have patience with yourself and with your healing. An affair deals a tough blow. Healing doesn't happen overnight, but have faith that it will happen and it will.
Things That Will Help In Getting Over The Affair:
In order to really heal after infidelity, there are a couple of things that you will need as follows:
1. You will need to be secure that this will never happen again. To really get over an affair, you will need to be able to trust and be vulnerable again. Two people can not be truly intimate if one of them is holding back or is just sticking a tiny toe into the water rather than fully diving it. However, it's unrealistic to think that anyone can truly do this if they suspect they're going to have to repeat this process all over again if the cheating happens again.
Being secure that the affair is a one time thing often means that your husband has no further contact with the other woman. Sometimes, this can be a bit of a challenge and it could require a job transfer or a move and that's unfortunate (however, a change of scenery is often actually very healthy after an affair because it offers a "fresh start.") But, you can not realistically heal if you have to keep wondering or worrying about interactions with this woman.
Also, you will both need to determine what contributed to the affair so that you can fix any shortcomings and affair -proof the marriage for the future.
2. Your husband needs to be very generous with responsibility, accountability, and reassurance. A husband who has cheated needs to take full responsibility for his mistake. So often I hear men say "well, I wasn't feeling desired, appreciated, loved, etc.," and I have no doubt that they believe that these things are true. However, they and they alone chose to have an affair. The blame lays with them. Moving forward, you should deal with the problems in your marriage that left it vulnerable to an affair, but the responsibility for it lies with the one who chose it.
And, husbands should understand that you will need to know where they are and who they are with for quite some time. Again, I often tell men to offer this reassurance "for as long as it takes." You will also need reassurance that your husband still finds you attractive, sexy, and desirable, and that the affair had more to do with him and less to do with you.
Often times, husbands assume that you don't want them to touch you or to be affectionate as they are scared of being rejected. But, if you need this reassurance, speak up. Your husband probably wants to give it, but is afraid that it would be the wrong thing to do.
(Note: it's very important that you understand that so often, affairs happen not because you weren't pretty enough, young enough, or sexy enough. Only roughly 10% of men feel that the "other woman" is more desirable than their wife. Men often cheat to make up for their own shortcomings, their lack of self esteem, their poor decision making skills, their poor communication, and their poor impulse control. These things are not your fault.)
Take Responsibility For Your Own Healing:
I make the huge mistake of thinking that my husband could read my mind after the affair. I greatly wanted his reassurance and at least some affection (though it was a while before I was ready for intimacy), but he mistakenly thought I was absolutely repulsed by him, so he hung back. In turn, I mistook this for the fact that he wasn't attracted to me, and things got much worse before they got better.
I know it's unfair that you should have to initiate anything in this process, but if you don't, it's possible that you won't get what you need to heal. If you need more of your husband's attention and reassurance, tell him. If you think he's coming on too strong and putting too much pressure on you, tell him that too.
The truth is, husbands have no idea how to make amends after an affair. They know they've caused great pain. And they are usually deeply sorry. They want things to go back to the way they were, but they are also horribly frightened of rejection and continuing pain and punishment. They want to do something, but they are so afraid to be wrong. They often tell me they "can't win, no matter what they do." You can help this somewhat by telling them exactly what they can do to help you.
Finally, take responsibility for building up your own self esteem. It took me way too long to realize that it was my own low self esteem that was holding me back somewhat. My husband kept reassuring me and telling me I was desirable, but I didn't believe him because I didn't believe this about myself. Eventually, I did a lot of work on myself. I went back to school. I changed my appearance and I focused on getting better at communication and intimacy. One I believed in myself, I no longer questioned the desire I saw in my husband's eyes. I now know it is genuine.
Believe That Your Marriage Can Not Only Survive, But Thrive After The Affair:
Marriages survive affairs every day. Many marriages actually improve because people learn to communicate, show appreciation and share affection in much better, more intimate ways. Trust that this can be the case for you, and for your marriage, if that is what you want.
Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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