subject: Why Do Married Men Keep Passwords From Their Wives? Is This Appropriate? Here's My Opinion [print this page] Why Do Married Men Keep Passwords From Their Wives? Is This Appropriate? Here's My Opinion
I was recently asked if it was appropriate for a married man to keep email, cell phone, Facebook, MySpace, and forum passwords from his wife. I honestly think that the wife who asked this question really did know the answer herself. Because if she was perfectly fine and OK with her husband's being so secretive, she would not have needed to ask if this was appropriate behavior for a married man.
The wife was very honest about the fact that this behavior was very troubling to her. She had no problem with sharing all of her passwords with her husband and she just did not get why he needed to keep his from her. Of course, she immediately suspected that he was keeping these things a secret because he was being deceptive in some way or was doing something online that he wanted to keep from her.
She told me that she felt insecure and silly for even worrying about this, but I did not think that she was being paranoid at all. There are two sides to every argument of course, but my experience and research has told me that innocent and forthcoming men do not usually keep passwords secret because they have nothing to hide. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Why Men Will Tell You That They Keep Their Passwords Private: I have had this exact conversation with quite a few men on forums and online. And, most of them will tell you that the separate and secret passwords are totally and perfectly innocent. They will say things like "just because I'm married doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to have my own identity," or "being married doesn't mean that I have to share everything or give up being my own person or having my own life and privacy."
I guess the validity of this may depend on the person. I suppose that there may be men who keep private passwords out of principal, but who are otherwise attentive and faithful husbands. Perhaps this is absolutely the only secret that they are keeping and they are only doing it in an attempt to keep some of their own identities. However, in my opinion, this is the exception rather than the rule.
Some Reasons That A Husband Might Keep His Passwords Secret From His Wife: Of course, the other side of the argument would be that the husband is keeping these identifiers to himself because he is attempting to cover up his wrong doing. It is entirely possible that he doesn't want for you to be able to read his email, or to see his cell phone texts, or to see his Facebook page because he is communicating with another woman on there or conducting some sort of relationship or behavior that he does not want for you to know about.
Almost every one has heard of someone contacting an old flame on Facebook and then uprooting and interrupting their entire lives to travel down the road to memory lane. And, it's not always the husbands that do this. Sometimes the husband is minding his own business but then an old girlfriend takes the initiative to contact him. And, while it's possible that nothing has happened yet, it's also possible that he, for whatever reason, doesn't want for you to know about this. And it's likely that on some level, he knows that this is wrong.
Speaking of knowing that this is wrong, many marriage counselors will tell you that deceptive behavior can be identified in this way. If you are doing something that you would not do with your spouse looking over your shoulder or standing in the room, then you must know that it is in some way wrong.
How To Get Your Husband To Understand That This Password Issue Is Unacceptable: As I said, the wife in this scenario felt pretty sure that her husband was doing something wrong, but every time she brought up this issue, he would turn it around on her, call her a nag, and ask her why he could not have some things that were only his personal business. These can be tough questions to answer without sounding defensive.
But, you might start with saying that while you trust him, his being so secretive makes you uncomfortable and that your goal has always been an open and honest marriage without any secrets. Ask him how he might feel if you were keeping similar things from him. Reassure him that you don't plan to spy on him or to follow him around, but make it clear that you fear that these secrets will lead to bigger ones.
If you still can't make him understand or if you just can't shake the feeling that something is wrong, you can often find out what is happening on your own computer in the same way that you would check up on a child that is using the computer for undesirable behaviors. Of course, you would probably rather that he were just honest. And, it's always best to cooperate and work this out together. But, if it becomes clear that this is not going to happen and he just won't budge, then there are usually other options.
I was in this same situation a while ago, but I did not insist on honesty. And this password dishonestly lead to bigger problems. But I tried to comfront my husband too soon, before I had proof, and of course he denied everything and
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