subject: Dealing with transference? (Strong feelings of love for your therapist) [print this page] Author: Kimberly Spatz Author: Kimberly Spatz
In the dictionary, transference is defined as: the shift of emotions, esp. those experienced in childhood, from one person or object to another, esp. the transfer of feelings about a parent to an analyst (dictionary.com). It is rather easy to see why transference would be a common and expected part of the therapeutic process. Psychotherapy digs deep into a persons childhood; thus, bringing up specific feelings that a person may feel toward his or her own parents that could easily be projected onto the therapist; however, it is usually what the client lacked from their parents that causes the transference; moreover, negative feelings the client feels about his or her parents and/or childhood can cause what is called negative transference toward the therapist. There are many different types of transferences, but it is really how the client goes about handling those feelings that is the key. To put in short, transference is the feeling of love that a client may feel for his or her therapist, and can sometimes be very overwhelming. In all reality, these feelings of love are actually desires, for example, saying things like; I want to get to know my therapist better, and I want to be friends with my therapist, are all desires caused by the clients need to feel special to the closest thing that represents a paternal, guiding, or authoritative figure in their lives. When issues with transference begin to rise, the client automatically thinks, whats wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Well, as Ive said before, dont worry! These feelings are normal and any competent psychotherapist will know how to handle it. Lets face it, the therapy setting is a very personal and intimate setting for anyone, and the relationship between client and therapist, for some people, is the one of the most intimate relationships they will ever have. Some people spend a couple days a week in the room with their therapist, while others spend once a week in the room with their therapist; however, that doesnt really matter. What matters is that this person, your therapist, is there, and although he or she is being paid for their services, he or she is there to talk, support, guide, and help you through whatever it is that you need help with. Who wouldnt feel feelings of admiration and infatuation with someone who is there just for you? For a lot of people, therapists become the symbol of nurture, care, and love that they may not have received in his or her own childhoodis it no wonder that they feel love for this therapist? Sometimes, transference can go beyond simple feelings of love and turn into erotic transference where the client feels more of a sexual attraction to their therapist. Erotic transference still roots back to the clients childhood; however, it reveals the clients need or wants to be desired or wanted, and can reveal deeper feelings the client has toward his or her own self. One of the most common concerns that I have been getting concerning transference is (for example) a straight woman who feels transference (or strong feelings of love) for her female therapist. A lot of people begin to panic and worry thinking: does this mean Im gay? Well, if you are a straight woman, dont worry so much, it does not mean that youre gay. In the therapy setting, it does not matter on gender or sex orientation/preference, because the intimacy between the therapist and client is what is causing the transference to happen. It really has nothing to do with the therapist being male or female nor with what the therapist looks like, but with the clients childhood experiences concerning love, nurture, care, affection, closeness, etc. I have heard; I am a straight woman and have developed feelings for my therapist, but I am afraid to tell her because I dont know how she will feel about it. Well, this my dear, shows a lot about your past, and your fears about being rejected, abandoned, etc; however, let me put your mind to rest. When a therapist is going to school to become a psychotherapist, they study transferencerigorously, and are trained in how to deal with it if and when it occurs; in addition, most psychotherapists almost always expect it to occurit actually shows that the client is making progress and is an important part of the therapy process. I am only a student studying psychology with plans to become a therapist with a specialization in positive psychology; however, I am not talking from a clinical point of view, I am talking because I have experience, as a client, dealing with transference. Because of my own feelings toward my therapist, I did extensive research on the topic, read many different articles, psychology books, and even other peoples experiences, and they all basically said the same thing: Transference is a normal, healthy part of the therapeutic process that reveals a lot about ones childhood experiences and should be discussed with the analyst no matter gender or sexual orientation/preference. No, I did not actually quote that form somewhere, but it is the answer, in short, that I have come up with by reading the thousands of articles and books that I have read. If transference is not dealt with within the therapeutic setting, then it can be a hindrance to the therapy processthis is something that I definitely had to learn by experiencing it. Keeping the feelings of transference that you feel for your therapist locked inside can make it extremely hard for you to open up to your therapist. How? Simple, because you have such strong feelings for this person, you are obviously going to care what he or she thinks of you; therefore, you will begin to hold things back out of, once again, fear. If you are dealing with transference or feelings for your therapist, the best thing is for you to do is talk to your therapist about them so that you and your therapist can work together to discover the root of this transferencethat way, you can begin the healing process and be well on your way to truly loving and accepting others as well as yourself. Update: I realized that I have forgotten to mention a few things; first, if the analyst feels feelings of love toward his or her patient, that is referred to as "counter transference," and in most cases, needs to be dealt with immediately. The analyst may or may not tell the client about how he or she is feeling, but at any rate, it can still be a hindrance to the therapy and the client's mental health if not dealt with properly. The analyst may seek counsel from another analyst, or terminate the therapy with the client in question. Under no circumstances should the analyst ever express his or her feelings to the client in hopes that something more than a client/therapist relationship would develop. The ethics a therapist must follow are strict, and do not include romantic/friendship interactions between client and therapist. If the therapist does happen to break his or her ethics and pursues a romantic/friendship with a client, then he or she should be reported to the better business bureau or to the licensing organization to receive disciplinary action. Some people tend to think the ethics are too strict, but they fail to see it from their perspective: A client is extremely vulnerable to their therapist both mentally and emotionally; therefore, if the therapist were to pursue anything more than a client/therapist relationship, he or she is taking advantage of a client's vulnerable state and should be placed under review and/or investigation to determine whether or not the particular therapist should be allowed to continue their practice. Although I only used a woman in my scenario about transference occurring with a therapist of the same sex, it goes for both men and women.About the Author:
Please note that I am not a certified counselor/psychologist/therapist nor do I claim to be. I am a college student who is studying the field of psychology and due to my own experiences in therapy, I have decided to share a few articles that may address the problems that others have or are facing in the therapy setting as well. Want to contact me? Email me at: kimberlysnj@yahoo.com
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