subject: What Should You Tell Your Children When There Are Problems In Your Marriage? [print this page] Conflicts in a marriage affect more than just a husband and wife, especially if children are at home. No matter how hushed you try to make your arguments, or how hard you try to act like nothing is wrong, it is always surprising just how perceptive kids can be. And counselors, who understand family dynamics and have worked to resolve countless conflicts and concerns within the home, often coach their clients on how to speak with their children about the conflicts or strains in their marriage.
How should you approach the topic?
It all really depends on what they know already. If you have continuously been arguing in front of them, or one of you has temporarily moved out of the house, then they are already pretty involved. As a basic guideline, you should let your children know that there is a problem, but that the two of you are working things out and it will get better soon.
Insist on making the conversation positive. Dont dwell on the problems and arguments. Instead, explain that you are going to a counselor and talk with your children about the improvements they can expect to see in the future. Try to avoid making it a one-sided conversation as well. Take the time to let your children express any fears that they have about the current family situation, and work to reassure them that things are going to get better. And, always reassure them that the problems are between you and your spouses, that they have nothing to do with the children, and the problems are not a result of anything they have done.
What role does age play?
If youre children are young, it best not to burden them with too many details as their imaginations may tend to run wild, and they may be unable to grasp the concept of what is going on. At a young age though, your children may have fears about what they are being told, so again, take the time either one on one, or as a family, to discuss about any questions they have and let them know that they can always approach you or your spouse with any questions they may have.
If youre children are older, however, or are out of your house with families of their own, then what you share with them is totally up to your discretion.
Should the children be involved with counseling?
In most cases, it is not necessary to have your children attend a counseling session, as marital problems are more easily discussed without children present in the room. If it becomes a family concern, then you and your spouse may want to consider family counseling sessions. Similar to marriage counseling, it will give everyone in the family an open opportunity to express their questions and concerns. Your counselor will also be able to alternately meet with each family member individually and in group settings if necessary as well. Most importantly is that set an example of open and honest communication that your children can witness and become a part of.
by: Linda James
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