subject: How to prepare children for parents divorce or separation [print this page] Step One: The announcement
If possible, the announcement should be given by both parents to all the children together.
The announcement should be given about two weeks before the actual separation. Two weeks are required to let the child get used to the idea without traumatized him a feeling of embedment or sudden disappearance. Two weeks are also short enough not to erode the child.
Indicate the reason for the separation. When doing so, note the following:
Give a reason that has to do with you and not with the child, in order not to have them carry the blame for your separation.
Give a reason that will not bring the child to fear certain behaviors: For example, if you say "we part because we disagree, than the child may develop a fear of expressing his own voice, in fear that you may decide to leave him too.
What can you say? Go to the extreme. For example: We argue or disagree all the time and about almost everything, until our life together in 99% of the time is unbearable.
Point out that the separation is not because the children
Clarify that the parents' separation is from one another and not from the children, and that both parents will continue to love them very much
Prevent separation anxiety. To do that, note the following:
Describe the change that is expected in the children lives.
If possible, do the separation in two stages. Announcing the stages before and stand by them will assist the children to build up the trust in the parents in an uncertain situation.
It is advised not to make any change in the first weak, make a moderate change in the second week and leave on the third week.
Share with the children the though that it will be difficult for you and probably for them as well, but also the belief that all of you, can overcome the difficulty, together.
Avoid separation during other crises, such as a the start of a new school year, birth of sibling, etc.
This phase should take few minutes (about 5-10 minutes).
Step two: The conversation
Invite the child to ask questions or share thoughts.
If the child asks questions you do not have the answer to, than say that, and tell him that once you will know the answer, you'll share it with him.
Try to keep as many things as you can, stable in the child's life. Furthermore, have in both houses familiar bedding, favorite games
Step Three: The implementation
Notify the teacher and caregivers about the change and ask them to be alert
Stand behind the action plan and level with your child, so that he can know that he can trust you and rely on you.
Do not "compensate" the child. Compensation can make the child feel that he is "Hurt" much more than he is.
Be empathic to your child's difficulty. Understand his pain.
If a child bursts in violence or crying attacks, try to help him express his feelings. Ask him what can help him feel better.
How to prepare children for parents divorce or separation
By: Dr. Eli Saggie
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