subject: Abuse Divorce - When Protecting Your Abused Children Compromises You [print this page] When protecting your children is punishing yourself...you must be in a domestic violence divorce. I have witnessed countless women across the globe suffer from this basic dilemma in and beyond family court.
It is so commonplace that their initial protection-reflect over time becomes replaced with a knee-jerk reaction of fear. But, this doesn't stop them from reaching out to protect their children from abuse during and after divorce.
If you are one of these women, you know the troubled waters you may swim in reaching into the deep ocean of battling child abuse in the system. Here are just a few things you will want to remember...
Clear Clean Child Abuse Reporting
Give the facts of what you observed with your child...including all the details that they shared with you. Keep the reporting present oriented and away from the extraneous divorce and/or parental conflict.
However, preempt the authorities being manipulated through their interaction with your ex (or soon-to-be ex) by sharing your understanding of the fear you harbor over protecting your children. Let them know you see the pattern and help them understand it as you do.
Now, this doesn't mean that you should rant and rave about how you will be hurt in this effort to help your child. Instead, you will want to let them know what you have come to notice as an ongoing pattern, and communicate it objectively...and as it relates to family violence, not your divorce.
Dealing with Your Child's Mixed Feelings Toward You
Initially your child will appear relieved over exposing what they know to be a violation to themselves. It feels good to think someone is seeking to understand what is hurting you.
But just as it is for you, it carries a serious consequence for them. They will be exposed to the pressure of reframing their initial statements and rewriting the history of their experience.
The offending parent protecting him/herself will want the child to know that your efforts are endangering them. It may sound like, "Your mom says bad things about me." "Your mom is trying to hurt my business, my career, my life...." In your child's eyes, you can become "the enemy" who poses a threat to the other parent.
Or, it might progress into an effort to establish that your child is a pathological liar and has deep-rooted psychological issues around being deceitful. I'm sure you can imagine the implications of this message to your abused child, considering that they were/are indeed abused.
If you are a protective parent seeking to protect your child and minimize the backfire to yourself, tread carefully as you learn how to deal with child abuse when domestic violence divorce is before the court.
by: Dr Jeanne King PhD
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