subject: How to Keep the Flame Alive in Your Marriage [print this page] How to Keep the Flame Alive in Your Marriage
It takes risk and connection to get married, but what does it take to keep the flame alive in your marriage? Pay attention to your partner. Watch them, expect them to grow, and remember to grow yourself. Make time for each other and remember to connect. Here's how to keep your marriage passionate.
Never stop dating.
Dating is something that may have been a big part of your pre-marriage relationship. Do you still take your partner out on dates? Dating your spouse has three components. Take your partner out for the regular things. Movies, dinner out, doing the fun and regular things together that you probably enjoyed pre-marriage are still important now. Also, take your partner out for the special things. These are the dates most everyone remembers: birthdays and anniversaries. Even the big things can seem smaller after years of marriage. Don't let them slip into the regular things category. They are larger-than-life opportunities to underscore your love for each other and fan that flame. Lastly, don't forget to take your partner out. Keep going out together. Even when you have kids, even when you're broke. Even when you're fighting or it seems like a waste of time. Make time for your partner, even if you can't imagine what you'll do with it. Making time for your partner makes your relationship a priority and keeps you hot for each other.
Never stop learning.
When you've been with someone a while, it can start to seem like you know everything about them. Don't let yourself believe that. Your partner will never stop growing and changing. Expect them to grow and change and celebrate them when they do. There's nothing that can make your spouse feel more "seen" than having you understand and appreciate who they are, today.
Never stop growing.
In the same vein, don't let yourself become stagnant. Sometimes it can be scary to grow and change within a marriage because you can be worried you'll lose your partner if you change too much. Strangely, embracing change and even strife is like medicine for a marriage. It keeps it healthy, vibrant, and flexible. Let yourself explore new interests. Make friends. Change passions and jobs and homes. Let life teach and mould you. And give your partner a front-row seat. Tell them your fears and joys, failures and triumphs. If your partner feels they are an important part of your changing self, they will still feel secure, even if they don't understand the "what" or "why" of what you are becoming.
Keeping the flame alive in marriage is much more a mindset than it is something you do in the bedroom. Couples fall into sexual and relationship ruts because they have stopped finding anything new in themselves or their partners, and they've stopped reserving time to celebrate their relationship. Keep growing, celebrate the change in your partner as you both age, and re-discover each other every day. The flame can never die between you if you are both making it, and each other, a constant priority.
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