subject: The Necessary Ingredients to Stop Your Divorce & Save Your Marriage [print this page] The Necessary Ingredients to Stop Your Divorce & Save Your Marriage
Characteristics of a SUCCESSFUL Marriage...The RIGHT Way to Save Your Marriage
Have you ever met someone who's married or in a romantic relationship & asked them how they would know their relationship is successful? I have; in fact, I've been the guy asking the questions. Awkward! The room fell quiet; deathly quiet. No one had an answer, so I just switched topics. It may have seemed like a misstep on my part, but really it was an intervention designed to get the group of guys I meet with to begin thinking about how they know if they're in a successful relationship.
What this means to you is this: How can you stop your divorce and actually get a marriage worth saving if you have YET to define what it would look like to be successful? Unfortunately, most people not only don't have an answer to that question, they also don't know the TRUE characteristics of a successful relationship.
I was recently watching a episode of my new favorite TV show, "How I Met Your Mother". The lead character, Ted, was talking about his "ideal" wife. She like tennis, dogs; wanted two kids - a boy and a girl; she was intelligent, social; liked the same favorite book, and so forth. Finding this 'ideal' woman represented a successful relationship to him...and it does to most people I meet. I'm sure you know a lot of other people like this - they believe if they just find the 'right' person, their 'soul-mate' then they'll have the perfect relationship. And as you know, this couldn't be further from the truth.
Simply finding someone who shares interests as you, or who meets most of the items on your 'list', does NOT mean you will have a successful relationship. The question, of course, is then...
So What DOES define a successful relationship?
Here's the criteria you'll want to strive towards to have a stable, successful, fulfilling & passionate marriage (I'll break each of these down in a series of articles). And if you're SERIOUS about stopping your divorce, each of these criteria will be CRUCIAL to begin developing in order to save your marriage effectively. After all, neither you or your spouse wants a
marriage that's empty, miserable, & unfulfilling. Keep in mind each criteria applies to BOTH you and your partner; if just one of you meets the criteria, there will definitely be a 'red flag' for you in that area. I'll also reveal to you some 'extenuating circumstances' which, if apply, will lessen the overall danger if one of you is lacking one of the criteria.
But know danger STILL exists.
1. Secure attachment (or at least in the process of working through attachment issues), & this involves:
a) Resolution of childhood losses, hurts, wounding, trauma (more on this later), & deprivations.
b) Need identification: Being able to be aware of, and meet, your own needs (especially emotionally) in healthy ,effective & appropriate avenues - instead of avoiding or 'checking out'
c) The ability to give & receive comfort (by the way, I only know two couples, and a handful of single people, who are able to EFFECTIVELY & TRULY give comfort. The inability to experience REAL comfort in a relationship, I am convinced, is a MAJOR reason couples divorce, experience dissatisfaction, have physical or emotional affairs, experience resentment & bitterness, are unable to let go of the past, and are unable to truly resolve arguments).
d) Strong and secure sense of your self (nope, not a misspelling, I do mean your 'self')
2. Constant desire to be different (& the action therein) in your relationship.
3. There's a support system in place.
4. You seek your partner's best interest even at your own expense & potential lost.
5. The exercise of self-responsibility; and, you view each other as a 'team-mate'.
6. Congruency.
7. Ability to EFFECTIVELY confront each other, problems, difficulties, negative behaviors, & then resolve conflict to a
MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL resolution & both of you experience the feeling of RELIEF afterward.
8. Awareness of the power of situational forces.
Stay tuned for upcoming articles where I break each one of these criteria down for you to help you stop your divorce so
you can not only SAVE your marriage, but get a marriage filled with the abundance of love, peace, & passion you both want!
P.S.: Was this article helpful to you? Make sure you pass it on to someone else you care about who you think will also
benefit.
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