subject: Helping Children Overcome a Fear of Failure [print this page] Helping Children Overcome a Fear of Failure
A fear of failure can be remarkably self limiting. People who have a pronounced fear failure will make fewer goals, try fewer things, and generally have poorer self esteem. Over a lifetime, a pronounced fear of failure can result in restricted life experience, limited success and poorer emotional health. If you notice that your child avoids trying new things, and has markedly reduced self esteem when he fails to meet a goal, he may have an exaggerated fear of failure which is affecting his quality of life. Here are 5 strategies to help the anxious child :
1. Help children adapt their thinking about failure. Simply put, failure is falling short of a goal. It is not a reflection of a person's value and inherent worth. Some kids feel there is no room for failure because they feel that they must be perfect to deserve love, respect, friends, social status and other good things in life. They are confusing achievement with the inherent value of a person. Let them know that they are loved and valuable regardless of their achievements.
2. Emphasize the process rather than the end point. What matters is the effort put forth, the experience along the way, and the knowledge gained. Teach your child to think of goals as merely guide posts in life.
3. When "failure" occurs, discuss with your child what he has learned from the overall experience. What about the experience can be thought of as a positive? If your child loses a swimming race, focus on what it is like be on a swim team. What are the positives of his experience?
4. Any given failure can be framed as point on the road to success. Would your child like to try to achieve the goal in the future. If so, what skills does he feel he needs to improve upon? How can acquire those skills so that he may achieve the goal in the future.
5. Decatastrophize failure and think broadly about the future. If a straight A student is distraught because she gets a B for example, ask her what she fears the B will mean. Maybe she fears that she won't get into the college of her choice because of this grade. Reframe this for her in this way: It is unlikely that a single grade will make the difference in getting accepted to a school. And even if the grade causes you to be rejected by your school of choice, there are many other high quality schools you will accept and offer you countless opportunities.
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