subject: When Do Children Know The Meaning Of "No!" [print this page] When Do Children Know The Meaning Of "No!"
Children under the age of three do not understand "no" in the way many parents think they do. And, a full understanding of "no" doesn't occur magically when the child turns three. It is a developmental process. "No" is an abstract concept that is in direct opposition to the developmental need of young children to explore their world and to develop their sense of autonomy and initiative.
Oh, your child may "know" you don't want her to do something. She may even know she will get an angry reaction from you if she does it. However, she cannot understand why in the way an adult thinks she can. Why else would a child look at you before doing what she "knows" she shouldn't do, grin, and do it anyway?
Around the age of one, children enter the "me do it" stage. This is when they develop a sense of autonomy vs. doubt and shame. Two through six heralds the development of a sense of initiative vs. guilt. This means it is their developmental job to explore and experiment. Can you imagine how confusing it is to children to be punished for what they are developmentally programmed to do? They are faced with a real dilemma (at a subconscious level). "Do I obey my parent or my biological drive to develop autonomy and initiative by exploring and experimenting in my world?"
These stages of development do not mean children should be allowed to do anything they want. It does explain why all methods to gain cooperation should be kind and firm at the same time instead of controlling and/or punitive. This is a time of life when your child's personality is being formed, and you want your child to make decisions about him or herself that say, "I am competent. I can try and make mistakes and learn. I am loved. I am a good person." If you are tempted to help your child learn by guilt and shame and punishment, you will be creating a discouraging situation that is difficult to reverse in adulthood.
Understand that you may need to teach your child many things over and over before he/she is developmentally ready to understand. Be patient. Minimize your words and maximize your actions. Don't take your child's behaviour personally and think your child is mad at you or bad or defiant. Remain the adult in the situation and do what needs to be done without guilt and shame.
Your job at this age is to think of yourself as a coach and help your child succeed and learn how to do things. You're also an observer, working on learning who your child is as a unique human being. Never underestimate the ability of a young child. But on the other hand, watch carefully as you introduce new opportunities and activities and see what your child is interested in, what your child can do, and what your child needs help learning from you.
Safety is a big issue at this age, and a parent's job is to keep their child safe without letting their fears discourage him/her. For this reason, supervision is an important parenting tool. And when parents understand that young children don't really understand "no" the way they think they should, it makes sense to use distraction and redirection away from inappropriate or unsafe behaviour by showing what he can do in a kind and firm manner.
Understanding age-appropriate behaviour can relieve a lot of pressure for both the parents and children involved. When parents change their expectations about the "perfect child who obeys their every command" they can begin to enjoy their child's experimentation with autonomy and initiative. Remember, as a parent, your attitude determines whether or not you will create a battle ground or a kind and firm atmosphere for your child to explore and develop within appropriate boundaries.
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