Have you ever thought about how you get your youth off the hook with his/her peers if you can be "blamed" for being strict? By setting fair but high expectations of your youth, you automatically limit your youth from making some poor decisions that could have life-long results.
It's best to start right away. By that I mean once your youth starts spending weekends, evenings, and even working situations without supervision, it is the time. For example, when your youth is working at a local fast-food outlet, have the discussion around what you expect before and after the shift is over. Who are they travelling with that provides supervision, and how many hours working without jeopardizing school commitments. Negotiate curfews for receiving peer visits and visiting peers, behavioural expectations of peers and your youth in different social circumstances, and finally the safe-sex "talk!" If you can't do this, make sure that a professional (youth's doctor, trusted adult in the family-friend circle, ect.) will have this discussion and be able to report back to you what was discussed, negotiated, and learned.
Rule of thumb: When something comes up that was not predicted, have a discussion around how to deal with it again and negotiate with your youth what is expected by all parties. By starting this immediately, you set a precedent. Your youth will begin to understand that you will always care about his/her well-being and you will always act on that. This is like taking money to the bank for your young person.
So when your youth blames you as the bad guy when being coerced by his/her peers to do something that may be risky, s/he has an out without losing face. Your youth's peers begin to respect him/her more because it is very evident that you care about everything that involves your young person and you will act in the best of your ability to keep him/her safe.
Iactually had a client who was the "fall guy" for one of her daughter's peers because it was apparent that her mother/father were not really present for their daughter's well-being. This young person spent a lot of time with her daughter and their peers accepted easily that both girls would be in trouble with this mother if they chose to defy her. This mother provided a safety net for both her daughter and her friend.
Never lose sight of the safety issue that is needed for young people to navigate in an adult world that is not safe or even friendly sometimes. They need to have a safe haven to come back to when social situations are painful or dangerous. I would NEVER want to live my youth again. Once was enough for a life-time. But when I had my own kids I had to do it each and every time whether I liked it or not. I was the parent and therefore I had the responsibility in a crazy world where responsibility is very obscure sometimes.
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