subject: Guilt Parenting - How To Raise Insecure Kids [print this page] Guilt parenting is a common occurrence. There are numerous reasons why we do it. There is a predictable outcome. You will not like it. May I suggest you examine your own parenting now, before it is too late. As you will see, it is not as innocent as you may think.
It's probably a macho thing, but I really hate crying. There was no choice. The family was gathered to the family conference room. Calmly, as if it were a daily event, the doctor delivered the kind of news a parent's ears should never have to hear. A baby...Leukemia. Acute diagnoses. Acute sorrow.
I was just a friend of the family, but I too have children. I felt their sorrow deeply. I imagined my own daughters. He left the room, friendly, but matter-of-factly. Melting quickly, we gathered the family in our arms. The pastor said a prayer and ask God to do something big...heal their little boy. I can still feel my heart beating and the atmosphere of that room, though 25 years ago, and whispering, "God, do it, please do it."
He is such a good looking 25 year old young man. God did do something big. And the young man? Few can stand to be around him. He is a spoiled brat who thinks the world revolves around him. Chances are he will struggle in life and relationships.
Can't you understand why he was raised that way? Yes, but that does not help anything. He was so sick and his family did not know how long they would have him? OK, now we begin to see the fallacy of parenthood raise its ugly head. Do you see it lurking so innocently? Let me point it out for you.
The fallacy of parenting to which I refer is concerned with what makes a child happy. The parents described above wanted to make their sick little boy happy so they let him do whatever he wanted, get by with everything, have everything, and thus providing him happiness. Wrong! Trust me, although unknowingly, what they really provided for their son was insecurity.
Here is why guilt parenting never works, IT REMOVES BOUNDARIES. Boundaries are an absolute must for raising secure and happy children. You want your child to know he/she is loved and to have a real sense of security? Then put the boundaries in place. They not only need boundaries, they want boundaries.
As parents, we can become emotional instantly when we project our guilt on our children. Our minds think these kind of thoughts: But his father left him, or he has to be in day care so much, or the divorce was devastating and on and on. Can you relate to those thoughts and emotions? I can. But let me ask you, do you really think you can buy your child's happiness? Or somehow by removing boundaries and taking away security you are repaying your child for the guilt you feel?
It does not make the child happier to be parented without boundaries. They need it and inwardly are crying out for it. Remember, it is not the sickness, the divorce, the death, or any other circumstance that is the last word on your child's mental and emotional health, it is your parenting.
by: Jim Cunningham
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