Foundation For A Better Life and Making Dreams Come True
Foundation For A Better Life and Making Dreams Come True
When I started writing my blog nine months ago, I was feeling hugely dis-empowered, becoming super-aware of my inner critic and the warped ideas that were hard-wired into my being. I was facing the core of a very uncomfortable truth that unless I faced and dealt with the reality of my relationship with my mother, I would never be able to build a foundation for a better life, or get to that place of making dreams come true.
The past months have been filled with epiphanies, dark tunnels, moments of wild inspiration and thrill at being alive, potholes, rage tantrums, crying jags, plateaus, rants against members of my family, rage against god, the universe and myself, confusion, moments of clarity and of understanding that I am effecting huge change within, building a foundation for a better life.
My blog started out as an articulation of my confusion and loneliness, and all the ideas that competed in my brain, letting it out, letting myself be real, acknowledging my shame, taking a chance that it was okay, that I would not be seen as a fruit-loop, a sad-sack, a victim, a criminal. I was taking the risk of putting myself, warts and all, out in front of the world.
I have been consumed with understanding how I got to where I was / am, because unless I can get my head around that, I can't change.
I have had years of wonderful therapy with two people, a man and his wife, who have been my surrogate therapy parents. They have always been very sure of my potential and what I can do with it in this lifetime, sure that I've done nothing wrong, and that I deserve what I long for. They were the first people I met who could see through the morass of my conditioning and adaptive behavior to the core of me, and who had the knowledge and expertise to teach me how to free myself.
The result has been emotional fluency, healing self-esteem, increased independence of mind, released creativity. And just as children grow up and want to stand on their own, so I began wanting to do it. Scared to, and sometimes not wanting to, but needing to think and believe for myself. And that of course is the whole point of therapy. It was always my therapists' purpose, to show me how to be in charge of my life and my own mind. To step out of my history.
Today I realized I'm ready to write the book. I know how it happened, what others did to me, what was within me that allowed them to betray me. I know that the responsibility for change has always been mine and why. It will be hard writing that part of the story that is about the betrayals, because it still hurts, but I'm looking forward to writing about where this crisis has taken me, because that still feels like a bit of a miracle.
Oprah once asked Louise Hay if she forgave those who had hurt her. She looked inward for a moment and said "I forgive myself".
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